"Which university are you at?"

One of the Mexicanos has ordered a round of tequila - how fitting.

We're upstairs in a busy bar in Valpo. It's a Spanish girls' birthday. I think.

We're sat on a big table full of international students, and it's assumed I'm also one.

"FELIZ CUMPLEAÑOS!" everybody shouts as the flaming tequilas are thrust into the air - I'm going to need another beer after this I think to myself, and nod at the departing bar waiter who has by now learnt mine and Kata's drinks. (Two of the cheapest bottled beers.)

We did deserve it though - we were both up before seven that morning and had completed a ridiculous mission. I'd been staying at "Villa Kunterbunt", with a German-Chilean couple who arrange international motorcycle shipping in Playa Ancha (suburb in the south of Valpo). That morning I was to get up early to help Kata move all her stuff from where she was staying in Con-Con (two towns north of Valpo) to her new house (in centro Valpo), using the busy bus system at peak time.

As I stepped out of the house to use the outdoor kitchen for breakfast the back boor snapped shut, with all the keys on the other side...

I was outside the house, but still stuck in their heavily fortified courtyard. To keep all the moto's-in-transit safe there's razor-wire, huge padlocks, bolts, chains and more locks.

I hammered on the door guiltily. No reply.

I shouted and bellowed. Not a peep.

I did both at once. Nada.

I went round the front to push the doorbell. It was a light switch.

I tried the same routine on the front door. With the same non-existent response.

I tried scaling the walls, climbing trees, breaking into the neighbours' yards, jumping from the garage roof - all to no avail. More banging and shouting later I was late, but no closer to an escape.

Eventually I climbed the main back gate to undo it's top bolt, undid the middle one on my way down and the bottom one from the ground. Then I found if I shuffled the thick, heavy chain through the cast-iron hoops all to one side I could force a crack at the bottom of the gate that might be wide enough for my head. If I squeezed my brain and skull a bit.

There were files of primary school children walking along the pavement while I dragged myself out onto the pavement between them, giving me fantastic looks of confusion and fear.

We did manage to move Kata in on a full bus in morning rush hour in time for her full day at university. Somehow.

So, I thought we deserved a beer. Or two...

And it was cheap. Too cheap. When it's this cheap you're obliged to drink as much as you can. Aren't you?

Someone asked me where I'm studying - while I was trying to come up with a suitably interesting lie Kata cuts in confidently:

"I found him in Santiago - he was on the streets with the dogs. I've taken him in for now..."

I didn't have to say anything, I stuck with a grateful look at Kata, and a shamed blush as the students around had a wide-eyed look of embarrasment for me. And like that, Kata won the best bullshit of the week award.

Later everyone wanted to go dancing, but I'd had too much beer to coordinate myself properly for that, and it had been a long day. Oddly I hadn't had too much beer to start beatboxing in the street as we were walking to the club. Everyone loved it and soon I was the coolest guy in the crowd. I think I even pulled out some Public Enemy lyrics too.

When we realised they were really going to some cheesy club Kata and I tried dropping back subtly to avoid the whole "Don't go yet!" polava. Luckily Ariki, Kata's new housemate walked past and was the perfect cover for our getaway.

A completo each later and we had mayo all down ourselves, full bellies and were ready for bed.